Why he needs to have his sh*t together before you say “I do”.
If you want a traditional marriage, ideally you want a man to be ready to be a husband beforehand and if you want kids you want him to be prepared for fatherhood too. You probably want him to be financially, emotionally, and quite frankly mentally stable before you walk down the aisle or at least you should. He should work out all of his “issues” or baggage before hand. But why is it that, nowadays we are shunned for expecting these things from men right off bat? I’ve seen a ton of memes and quotes racking up likes on social media encouraging women to be there for the “struggle”. We’re being asked, or rather told, to be supportive of men as they “grow” and not to be a “gold digger” or expect too much. We are told not to seek materialistic, monetary, or financial stability in place of love. We are also told that “boys will be boys” and they’ll mess up a lot. I’m not saying we need to find a man who has already met his highest potential but I don’t think we need a “project” or should be responsible for fixing a man. I’ve seen woman settle for less because they believe that’s how love works.
For example, if he cannot keep a steady job or pay his bills—we should be supportive. If he is unfaithful, we need to be forgiving. That it’s okay to continuously struggle in this cycle. Some will settle in hopes that one day he will become a “rags to riches” success story or one day just magically choose to become faithful. But the sacrifices will only continue. Soon, you will compromise your living situation, your lifestyle, and your dreams. You’ll settle for a smaller ring or maybe no ring at all, perhaps skip the wedding although you’ve dreamed about it. You’ll settle for an apartment in a less than ideal neighborhood instead of that home you always dreamed of. You’ll settle for a job you hate instead of a career you love because you need money immediately to help with the growing expenses.
I’m not suggesting that you only marry someone who is rich, has no children, or has never made a mistake. What I am saying is, marry someone who is stable, ready, and successful in their own right. If he allows himself to live uncomfortably imagine how he’ll treat you. He is comfortable in mediocrity, never seeking more or trying to better himself, why would he try to raise you up or help you become better? You are limiting yourself by being with someone who will not see your potential because they refuse to see their own. Sure, we all face adversity and are not all given the same opportunities, but if year after year the excuses and bills continue to pile up, you have taken on a project, not a spouse. It’s okay to work at goals and have dreams that you have yet to accomplish, but it’s not okay to “settle” and stay still and motionless with someone. You’ll just end up being one of those couples that fights over something like money for instance, which is the number one reason for divorce. You’ll fight because of dreams you never chased or trying to fix issues that are not your own to fix. So yes, expect him to work hard and be stable. He should also be ready to be a husband. He may still have room to grow but he should want to grow and you should not have to act as his parent before you’ve even had children. He should be able to provide all that a husband should. Of course, you should not ask all of this, if you yourself are not ready to be a wife.
If you’re going to say “I do” it should mean “I can”. I can provide, I can be a the husband or wife you need, I can be a mother or father, I can add to your life, I can be support when you need it, I can love you. Being married means, I’m ready. When you choose to marry someone, you both should be ready to be husband and wife. That means being partners and having a happy life together. You may come across road blocks and plans may not work out as you thought, but if he often “settles” in his own life, you’re possibly “settling” for a mediocre marriage that has a a high chance of failure before you’ve even begun. So before you say “I do” he should have his life together and so should you.