One night, when we finally got our daughter to sleep, my husband and I got wrapped up in a conversation about love, marriage and relationships. Was there a secret recipe for a successful marriage? Could someone cheat if they truly loved their spouse? Why were we surrounded by so many unhappy couples and how could we prevent the same fate from happening to us? Those were the topics on the table that night. On the rare occasion when our daughter was actually sleeping soundly we would get caught up in deep conversations about parenthood, marriage, and just life in general. It was a nice change from talking about poop and ways to get our daughter to sleep. My husband and I joked that if we put our thoughts on the Internet people would probably think we were nuts. “Why don’t you start a blog?” He asked. And with that, that’s how I started blogging.
“At first it was therapeutic. I opened up about infertility, miscarriage, PCOS, and postpartum depression.”
At first I hoped to do it with my husband but it didn’t work out that way and being the writer of the family, it became my project. At first it was therapeutic. I opened up about infertility, my miscarriage, PCOS, and postpartum depression. I started writing for online publications and received a lot of positive feedback. I was so grateful to be able to connect with so many people. I felt relieved that I wasn’t the only one struggling with adjusting to motherhood and a slew of other things that I was dealing with. I started gaining followers and things were taking off. I was happy. But then, I kind of hit a speed bump.
“I started to feel overwhelmed with trying to stay relevant and to constantly update my social media pages with engaging images and topics.”
I would gain followers then lose more than I gained. I started to feel overwhelmed with trying to stay relevant and to constantly update my social media pages with engaging images and topics. And with all the work I was putting in, I felt like I was still falling behind. I looked to other mommy bloggers for answers and began to compare myself. I’d see moms with 10, 20, or 30 thousand followers and convinced myself that I needed followers too and that would be my sign of success. What did these moms have that I didn’t? Well, most just seemed to have it together. They posed for an “outfit of the day” post with styled hair and make-up. Their kids we well behaved and always happy. They’d share honest mom-moments about being overwhelmed and tired but always remembered to end in a more positive note by saying that they enjoyed every minute of it. Everything seemed deliberate and had a sort of theme. They had professional photo shoots, advertised products, and generally seemed to be winning at life. And so I tried to “do it for the gram”. Let me tell you, it was exhausting! Trying to wrangle a toddler to take a picture is hard AF. Trying to look “put together” on 3 hours of sleep and trying to hide the fact that I cried the night before because I was so tired wasn’t easy.
Spending any free time I had with my family trying to pose for the perfect picture wasn’t fun and took more time than I often had. I’d take hundreds of photos only to have none perfect enough to post. I felt defeated. If this was what being a successful mommy blogger was like, I wasn’t sure if I wanted it anymore. If success was struggling to gain followers or paying for followers and likes (which most do) just so I could sell weight-loss teas and offer discount codes for products I would never use, then I didn’t want it. I felt like I was selling my soul to become a successful mommy blogger instead of just being myself.
And worse, I was losing sight of the reason why I starting blogging in the first place, to be real and honest AF. To say out loud what we are all thinking. Like, sometimes playing with our kids is boring and I think we all wished for a mute button at least once. Some days I don’t get it all done and most days I don’t have it all together. Or that marriages change after you have kids even if you’re the perfect couple, mine did. So, thank you, those of you that have stuck around. I’ve snapped out of it. And I’ll be back to complaining and ranting about the terrible twos and attempting (but failing) to be the perfect wife and mother. I’ll be all over the place some days and hopefully you’ll join me in the madness.