Having a baby can be an amazing experience but a lot changes all at once and it can also be very overwhelming. If your sex-life has taken a hit after having a baby, you’re not alone. A lot of couples have a difficult time adjusting to their new lives after having a baby. On top of the endless visitors and sleep deprivation just to name a few, sex might take a back seat. Here are 8 ways to save your sex life after having a baby!
1. Give yourself time.
On average women gets the green light to return to normal activity (yes, meaning sex) around 6-8 weeks after giving birth, though it can be longer for some. But that doesn’t mean you’re ready even if it’s healthy to return to normal activities. Don’t feel pressured to dive right in if you’re still in any sort of pain, not feeling well, or are simply not in the mood or not comfortable enough to have sex. You may also be experiencing “baby blues” which can last a few days or weeks after giving birth but if you feel sad, depressed, anxious, or just not like yourself you may have postpartum depression. Rushing into things can make you feel worse. And as always, voice your concerns to a medical professional and speak to your spouse.
2. Ask for help.
If you’re too tired or too stressed to even think about sex——I feel you. You are NOT alone and after having a baby it’s totally understandable. But if you feel like the time is right to start having sex again but yet you’re having trouble making time or finding the energy make sure you ask for the help you need so you are not overwhelmed in other aspects of your life. If you’re falling behind on chores and still only getting little to no sleep, speak up. If you’re running on steam, sex will feel like a chore. Ask your husband, family, or a friend to lend you a hand whenever possible. It’s totally okay to need extra help. Do not feel like a failure because you are not able to “keep up”. Being a mom is hard work and it takes a village to raise a child.
3. Do what makes you feel sexy.
If you’re not feeling beautiful or sexy, sex won’t be a priority. I know this is easier said than done. But whatever makes you feel sexy, do that! If you can find the time to do some of the things you’ve done before you had a baby like getting your nails or hair done and it makes you feel happy then go for it. But remember, it’s still totally okay to wear pajamas all day too, if that’s what you need to do right now. Perhaps stock up on pajamas that make you feel sexy since you’re probably going to be in them 24/7 for the first few months of motherhood (or years, I’m not judging) wear comfortable yet sexy clothing. Yes, it exists.
4. Plan sex-dates.
Spontaneous sex is great but it might seem impossible after having a kid. Don’t beat yourself up about it, instead embrace it. Plan ahead of time and choose a time that works for the both of you, say nap time? The anticipation sometimes makes things sexier and more thrilling plus making time for sex is a great step in the right direction. Being a parent can take up all of your time and energy and can sometimes force you to put yourself and your relationship last, but making an effort can make all the difference. Even if sex-dates only occur a few times a month or once a week, it’s a start. With time, things will get better but for right now, work with what you have.
5. Tell him what you need.
He’s not a mind reader. And don’t expect him to pick up on cues. Your husband might expect sex to be the way it has always between the two of you but you might feel differently. Perhaps your require a little more foreplay in order to get you out of “mommy-mode” or maybe you need to adjust positions because things are still a little….weird. Whatever it may be, guys are usually pretty receptive to instructions in the bedroom.
6. Make yourself comfortable.
Look, I’m just going to say it. For a lot of women sex can be painful or uncomfortable for quite some time after giving birth. Buy a huge tub of lube, HUGE. Try various positions until you find the right ones that are not uncomfortable. Have everything you need in advance to make sex more enjoyable like pillows, a sex wedge (yes, they exist), lube (and more lube) and let your husband know what is and isn’t working for you.
7. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Motherhood has highs and lows and this rollercoaster ride of emotions can effect your marriage. Some days you’ll feel like your old self again but most days you won’t. Some months you may have sex often while others you might not be physically or emotionally able to. It’s easy to feel guilty and wonder if you’re doing enough and it’s natural for us to want to be the best mom and wife, but know that you’re doing the best that you can. Give yourself credit for even trying and know it will get easier.
8. Remember, it isn’t all about sex.
This may seem kind of stupid, because this list is all about maintaining a healthy sex life after having a baby but it’s true. Jumping back into the sack isn’t always about feeling sexual or being in the mood. For most of us, we need to feel loved and cared for. Sometimes after having a baby, there can be a lot of issues that come up in a marriage. You’re sleep deprived and on edge—-fights will happen. Make sure you are connecting in other ways so that sex feels natural and not just like “maintenance”. Hug, kiss, call or text each other. Say “I love you” and not just when you’re saying goodbye. Make sure you’re both being kind and supportive.